We went to our community pool today. Usually during our swims, my five year old makes friends almost every time she goes. She loves meeting new people and playing with other kiddos. So, when four little girls around the same age as her walked into the pool, she was super excited. She saw they had all brought masks and dive toys just like hers. Her brave little soul swam over with her own dive toys. She asks, “Can I play with you guys?” They answer, “No.” I locked eyes with her and could tell her big heart was a little broken. I waved her over and as she got closer to me she began to cry more. I held her as she told me what happened.

I reminded her that not everyone wants to make friends and that some people aren’t kind. I also told her that if people act that way then they probably aren’t people you want to try and be friends with.

My heart hurts for her.

As we sat at our dinner table tonight, she brought it up to her daddy. I instantly started to cry at the heartbreak that still was on her sweet face. I tried to hide it at first because I didn’t want her to see me upset about the situation but eventually she caught on (little smarty pants).

This was a huge reminder today. It was a reminder that I cannot protect them from all the ugly in this world. However, what I can do is remind them and show them the beauty though. I can remind them of how to treat people, to include people, to care for people, and to also protect themselves from people that don’t have their best interest.

Don’t let your kids be those kids. The worst part about this whole thing was that the dad of the four girls was right there playing with them and saw that my daughter went to try and play. He said and did nothing.

Tonight I lay in bed at the end of an extremely long, emotional and reflective week.

Last Sunday was mother’s day and I was officially ten and a half weeks pregnant. I spent the afternoon on the patio watching my daughter play with a puppy and spent time talking with family. I went to the bathroom and there it was. Something I never wanted to see.

My heart. I can only describe to you the rollercoaster of feelings that I have felt this last week.

Sadness- My sixth baby and fifth pregnancy. Why would God take another baby from me? I thought for sure this one would stick. It was perfect.

Anger- Why can’t my body do what it is supposed to do? Create life. I have done it once, perfectly before.

Frustration- I don’t understand how some people can have baby after baby.

Failure- I let down my husband again. And now I let my daughter down again. She doesnt quite understand at two years old that she could have been a sister but in my head, I still let her down.

There were many more emotions, however, I have to remember all the happiness and joy my daughter brings to my life. She reminds me every day of this, thank God.

The way she called me her best friend and hugged me as we ate ice cream in bed. (By the way, ice cream was all her idea to make me feel better.) It amazes me that at two years old someone could show empathy and kindness when I needed it most. Grown adults have trouble doing that, but she did.

While putting her to bed tonight we talked as I rocked her about all the friends she had and how fun dancing was at school. Then when I tucked her in she told me she loved me without any prompting.

She is the most amazing human I have ever met and I get to have the pleasure of calling her my daughter. I get to kiss her, hug her, talk to her, play with her, dance with her, rock with her, and just be with her. I feel honored to be called mommy by her even if I hear “Mommy?” 9,700 times a day. (Some with no answer back after I respond to her.) I will never be able to hear that from my babies up in heaven and I will always wonder who, what and how they would have been but Everly makes up for that in so many ways.

My heart hurts for the loss again but I can’t give up yet. I know that my body can do this and I have to build the trust back up again, which will take time. There has to be a reason. I may never know, but I can’t give up.

This is definitely my second post of the night but I have just had so much on my mind lately. Not sure if it is because I’m out of school or what but I just need to write.

Alrighty people. (If anyone is actually reading this.) I sometimes get in my head about all the bad things that could happen to my baby. I see posts or news articles or things on TV that freak me out. Even little things like walking up and down the stairs.

I feel like I need to protect her from every single thing sometimes but I know deep down that wouldn’t be good because she will never know how to cope with the real world once she begins to live on her own.

How do you find that balance?

I would honestly not know what to do with myself if anything were to happen to her. I’m not sure if things that I think about are irrational or normal.

How do you get out of worst case scenario?

There are so many bad people and bad things in the world. I know she will hear or see things that I don’t want her to but I guess I just need to teach her how to handle things that are bad and tempting or show her how those choices would effect her life.

You want your child to become this perfect little person and you may think they already are but are you really setting them up for success when you do that. That is a whole lot of pressure. She is going to make mistakes and my job is to make them teachable moments. Wanting and creating a picture perfect world for them is not realistic I guess.

I need some advice. Anyone else struggle with this?

Ok, so does anyone else go to bed with regrets, as a parent? I do.

There are so many things that happen during the day with my 18 month old. We have good times, bad times, annoyed times, tired times, silly times and other numerous emotions. During all these little moments of her learning, I am also learning.

Parenting is like riding a rollercoaster. You are going at different speeds all day and you have your ups and downs. Sometimes you make great choices as a parent and sometimes you don’t.

I need to learn to celebrate the good and remember them in times of need and to learn from the bad. I wonder if there is a complete right and wrong to this whole thing sometimes.

There is also the judgement side. Especially when you are out in public. You don’t want to be judged by your actions. I could honestly care less about my toddlers actions because she is so new to this thing called life and I am going to do my best to guide her. However, everyone is watching you. What you do for and to your child. Don’t get me wrong, there are parents out there that don’t make good choices on a consistent basis and I see it daily with my students.

I have gone back and forth with so many choices. I need to start sticking to my choice and make it consistent for her. There are so many times I go to bed with regret and wondering if I am doing this right. But is there a right way?

All families have different ways of doing things and they have to do what works for them. I am just hoping my baby girl learns and grows into a beautiful person inside and out so that I can also grow and become a parent that she can rely on and come to with struggles or celebrations in her life.

This post is kind of all over the place but I just had to get some clarity. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you handle these things and move forward?

It’s been awhile since I have written my thoughts. It’s time to start again.

Today is Valentine’s Day and I was so reminded of how lucky I truly am. I know so many people say that and it kind of turns into something that doesn’t mean much.

My husband had to work tonight and I got to spend the afternoon with my little girl. All night she was the best. She was playful and so loving. When I was rocking her to sleep up in her room she was talking to me as I was singing to her. She had finally laid down on my chest and wrapped her sweet little arms around me and tapped both her hands on me over and over. Then about a minute later, she sat up and gave me a kiss and laid back down. It was like she was telling me goodnight.

I cannot explain how much I love her and thank God every day that I have her. He gave us exactly what we needed in life and I feel honored that he chose me to be her mommy.

Parenting is so hard and there are so many times when you feel like a failure. There are times when you second guess yourself about what you have decided or how you have chosen to raise them. I will always try to remember that as long as I am trying my best and loving her unconditionally, she will be an amazing adult someday and turn out just fine.

I love my little girl so much. There are no other words I can put together to explain motherhood.

Everyday I am reminded of how lucky I am to be her mom. However, today was especially great.

As soon as I got home, she was all smiles and so excited to see me. She even reached up while I was picking her up. There is absolutely no better feeling than coming home to a sweet little smiling face who recognizes you as her mommy. 

We laughed, played and cuddled all afternoon. I am beginning to think that my favorite part of the day is bedtime routine. While I absolutely love dressing her up in cute little outfits and bows, there is just something so snuggly and cozy about wrapping her up in her pajamas. 

She has started to recognize bedtime and I now rock her in the chair with her pacifier. She loves being gently sang or hummed to and we just sit there with each other. It is so simple yet makes me feel so many different feelings. I absolutely love it. 

She is so full of energy when I am getting her ready and just smiles and giggles but when we are rocking, she slowly just relaxes and I know she feels safe. Tonight, she fell asleep after slightly fighting going to bed. We rocked and I faced her toward me. Her head rested so slowly and peacefully on my chest and her tiny hand squeezed my finger. I cannot express the love I feel from her. She says no words and is still so new to this word but yet I feel that she needs and wants me. 

God has truly given me the greatest gift. It once crossed my mind that I would never feel that motherly connection with my own children. But He had a different, wonderful, beautiful and perfect plan. I will never understand why my four babies are up in heaven but I don’t think I’m supposed to understand that. He needed them for some reason, and maybe that reason was to watch over my baby girl. 

Thank goodness for bedtime. 

So, I have been a mom now for just over four months. It is life changing. My whole world has turned upside-down and there are no words to describe how amazing it really feels. I never thought I could love someone this much and I cannot wait to have more babies, God willing. 

Since becoming a mother, I feel like I have joined this elite club of moms that just have this instant bond. Just yesterday, I was walking through Target and another mom was walking in the kids clothing section and she just stopped and we instantly started talking and exchanging our kids names and ages. My husband and I walk into a store and random people talk with us and just want to look at her. It’s the moms that are always the most connected to her. They just get it and even though I don’t know them, I can feel their love even to my baby that they don’t even have any connection with. No one else can really relate to us. 

As a mom, I feel like I am so protective and want everything to go just as planned or how I want. There are definite moments of self-doubt and you just mess up something completely. People tell you all their stories and all of their advice ALL THE TIME. Some you take and some you just leave and have to nod your head and smile. I don’t know everything about being a mom and I am learning every day with her. I want to be the perfect mother for her and my future babies but I know that is unrealistic. The only thing I can do is follow my gut and my heart and work side-by-side with my husband. 

My daughter has taught me so much already. Not only has she taught me more patience but how to love even more. The people around her are so loving and you are just treated differently as a mom. I absolutely love it and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a feeling my heart will grow and grow with every little miracle we create. 

I have debated back and forth about whether or not to post anything about miscarriage because it is so taboo in our culture. I have determined that by posting something, I could maybe be helping someone else out there get through a loss where they may feel alone. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with it alone, and we should be able to lean on someone or even talk with someone who has gone through the same thing. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I had always seen myself having lots of kids at an early age and just felt this need to be around children and raise my own. That is partly why I became a teacher I guess. However, God has different plans for everyone and he laughs when you make a plan.
Our journey to parenthood hasn’t been the easiest. I got pregnant in 2014 and it was a total shock. We were not trying to get pregnant. I felt scared, excited, worried, and couldn’t wait to meet our little one. In no way had it ever crossed my mind that I would ever miscarry. I didn’t think it happened that often and I had never really heard of anyone besides a few close relatives that had them. 
Our first doctors appointment also included an ultrasound and we discovered twins! However, there were no heartbeats. We both felt devastated. I felt like I couldn’t process what had happened and it felt completely surreal. John and I took time to heal and began to try again. We got pregnant again in mid-2015 and lost another baby. This one felt even worse. I thought to myself, “Hmm maybe I’m not supposed to be a mother. Maybe God has something else planned for me.” But we tried again and got pregnant later that year. We lost yet another baby. At this point I threw in the towel. I quit. I didn’t want to try anymore and I felt like a complete failure. The one thing that I was put on this earth to do and I couldn’t do it. I felt I was letting John down too. He married me and we had talked about our future plans, like most couples. Those included children. How would I ever be good enough or fill that void for us?
We had talked about adoption and/fostering and pieces were put together in early 2016 for us to foster two children in our home. They were brother and sister and we helped get them back to their father. During this time, we found out we were pregnant yet again. I had so many doubts, insecurities, and was on the edge of my seat the whole time we waited for our first ultrasound. Time kept passing and with every appointment we went in waiting to hear bad news.
When we finally got through our first trimester we could finally relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Everything was textbook perfect. She was healthy and growing. I could not wait to meet her and had so much support throughout my pregnancy.
During and after her arrival we fell completely in love. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. These past 9 weeks have been the most incredible moments of my life. Becoming a mother is the most rewarding job. Seeing my husband with her and how much he adores her is also the best thing ever! I never knew how much I could love another human being until I met her.
We have four little angels up in Heaven looking down on Miss Everly. They are and will always be our babies, even if we never got to hold or feel their beautiful little bodies against us. Losing them were the hardest moments I have ever been through. The feeling of guilt, anger, and saddness was overwhelming. I will never fully understand why they were taken from us, but God definitely has a plan for everyone.
I feel so extremely lucky to have a beautiful, healthy, strong, happy baby. God has certainly blessed us with her and will hopefully bless us with more little ones.
This happens to so many more people than you think. After my losses, people came out of the woodwork talking about it to me and telling me their stories. We need to look out for each other and be sure that one another has someone to talk to through rough times. I really, truly hope this helps someone out there and they are able to relate and know they are not alone.
  

This is a great reminder of waiting until the time is right. You may not know or understand why something doesn’t work out for you in that moment but you can almost always look back and understand that it wasn’t the right time. 

Even though I have suffered loss, I would have given anything to have my babies. We found out about Everly right after we bought a house and she came just in time for my parents to sell their house and relocate locally. I couldn’t do this without them.  I am so happy they are here to be in Everly’s life. 

We may not always have the best of the best, or have things that we desire at that moment but if we work hard and are patient, things may just turn out in our favor. 

Timing is EVERYTHING!

This is my first post on a blog ever! Scary!

I’m not sure anyone will ever read these posts but this is my new outlet.

I cannot wait to document my new life as a mother to a brand new baby girl, as a fourth grade teacher, as a wife of almost 5 years, and as a sister and daughter to a loving and amazing family.

I hope people follow my journey and are able to connect with me or just relate to me.

Can’t wait to see where this goes. Yay!

P.S. have to give a shout out to my awesome hubby for setting this up for me. Xoxo! ♡♡♡