Tonight I lay in bed at the end of an extremely long, emotional and reflective week.

Last Sunday was mother’s day and I was officially ten and a half weeks pregnant. I spent the afternoon on the patio watching my daughter play with a puppy and spent time talking with family. I went to the bathroom and there it was. Something I never wanted to see.

My heart. I can only describe to you the rollercoaster of feelings that I have felt this last week.

Sadness- My sixth baby and fifth pregnancy. Why would God take another baby from me? I thought for sure this one would stick. It was perfect.

Anger- Why can’t my body do what it is supposed to do? Create life. I have done it once, perfectly before.

Frustration- I don’t understand how some people can have baby after baby.

Failure- I let down my husband again. And now I let my daughter down again. She doesnt quite understand at two years old that she could have been a sister but in my head, I still let her down.

There were many more emotions, however, I have to remember all the happiness and joy my daughter brings to my life. She reminds me every day of this, thank God.

The way she called me her best friend and hugged me as we ate ice cream in bed. (By the way, ice cream was all her idea to make me feel better.) It amazes me that at two years old someone could show empathy and kindness when I needed it most. Grown adults have trouble doing that, but she did.

While putting her to bed tonight we talked as I rocked her about all the friends she had and how fun dancing was at school. Then when I tucked her in she told me she loved me without any prompting.

She is the most amazing human I have ever met and I get to have the pleasure of calling her my daughter. I get to kiss her, hug her, talk to her, play with her, dance with her, rock with her, and just be with her. I feel honored to be called mommy by her even if I hear “Mommy?” 9,700 times a day. (Some with no answer back after I respond to her.) I will never be able to hear that from my babies up in heaven and I will always wonder who, what and how they would have been but Everly makes up for that in so many ways.

My heart hurts for the loss again but I can’t give up yet. I know that my body can do this and I have to build the trust back up again, which will take time. There has to be a reason. I may never know, but I can’t give up.