I have debated back and forth about whether or not to post anything about miscarriage because it is so taboo in our culture. I have determined that by posting something, I could maybe be helping someone else out there get through a loss where they may feel alone. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with it alone, and we should be able to lean on someone or even talk with someone who has gone through the same thing. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I had always seen myself having lots of kids at an early age and just felt this need to be around children and raise my own. That is partly why I became a teacher I guess. However, God has different plans for everyone and he laughs when you make a plan.
Our journey to parenthood hasn’t been the easiest. I got pregnant in 2014 and it was a total shock. We were not trying to get pregnant. I felt scared, excited, worried, and couldn’t wait to meet our little one. In no way had it ever crossed my mind that I would ever miscarry. I didn’t think it happened that often and I had never really heard of anyone besides a few close relatives that had them. 
Our first doctors appointment also included an ultrasound and we discovered twins! However, there were no heartbeats. We both felt devastated. I felt like I couldn’t process what had happened and it felt completely surreal. John and I took time to heal and began to try again. We got pregnant again in mid-2015 and lost another baby. This one felt even worse. I thought to myself, “Hmm maybe I’m not supposed to be a mother. Maybe God has something else planned for me.” But we tried again and got pregnant later that year. We lost yet another baby. At this point I threw in the towel. I quit. I didn’t want to try anymore and I felt like a complete failure. The one thing that I was put on this earth to do and I couldn’t do it. I felt I was letting John down too. He married me and we had talked about our future plans, like most couples. Those included children. How would I ever be good enough or fill that void for us?
We had talked about adoption and/fostering and pieces were put together in early 2016 for us to foster two children in our home. They were brother and sister and we helped get them back to their father. During this time, we found out we were pregnant yet again. I had so many doubts, insecurities, and was on the edge of my seat the whole time we waited for our first ultrasound. Time kept passing and with every appointment we went in waiting to hear bad news.
When we finally got through our first trimester we could finally relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Everything was textbook perfect. She was healthy and growing. I could not wait to meet her and had so much support throughout my pregnancy.
During and after her arrival we fell completely in love. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. These past 9 weeks have been the most incredible moments of my life. Becoming a mother is the most rewarding job. Seeing my husband with her and how much he adores her is also the best thing ever! I never knew how much I could love another human being until I met her.
We have four little angels up in Heaven looking down on Miss Everly. They are and will always be our babies, even if we never got to hold or feel their beautiful little bodies against us. Losing them were the hardest moments I have ever been through. The feeling of guilt, anger, and saddness was overwhelming. I will never fully understand why they were taken from us, but God definitely has a plan for everyone.
I feel so extremely lucky to have a beautiful, healthy, strong, happy baby. God has certainly blessed us with her and will hopefully bless us with more little ones.
This happens to so many more people than you think. After my losses, people came out of the woodwork talking about it to me and telling me their stories. We need to look out for each other and be sure that one another has someone to talk to through rough times. I really, truly hope this helps someone out there and they are able to relate and know they are not alone.