Everyday I am reminded of how lucky I am to be her mom. However, today was especially great.

As soon as I got home, she was all smiles and so excited to see me. She even reached up while I was picking her up. There is absolutely no better feeling than coming home to a sweet little smiling face who recognizes you as her mommy. 

We laughed, played and cuddled all afternoon. I am beginning to think that my favorite part of the day is bedtime routine. While I absolutely love dressing her up in cute little outfits and bows, there is just something so snuggly and cozy about wrapping her up in her pajamas. 

She has started to recognize bedtime and I now rock her in the chair with her pacifier. She loves being gently sang or hummed to and we just sit there with each other. It is so simple yet makes me feel so many different feelings. I absolutely love it. 

She is so full of energy when I am getting her ready and just smiles and giggles but when we are rocking, she slowly just relaxes and I know she feels safe. Tonight, she fell asleep after slightly fighting going to bed. We rocked and I faced her toward me. Her head rested so slowly and peacefully on my chest and her tiny hand squeezed my finger. I cannot express the love I feel from her. She says no words and is still so new to this word but yet I feel that she needs and wants me. 

God has truly given me the greatest gift. It once crossed my mind that I would never feel that motherly connection with my own children. But He had a different, wonderful, beautiful and perfect plan. I will never understand why my four babies are up in heaven but I don’t think I’m supposed to understand that. He needed them for some reason, and maybe that reason was to watch over my baby girl. 

Thank goodness for bedtime. 

So, I have been a mom now for just over four months. It is life changing. My whole world has turned upside-down and there are no words to describe how amazing it really feels. I never thought I could love someone this much and I cannot wait to have more babies, God willing. 

Since becoming a mother, I feel like I have joined this elite club of moms that just have this instant bond. Just yesterday, I was walking through Target and another mom was walking in the kids clothing section and she just stopped and we instantly started talking and exchanging our kids names and ages. My husband and I walk into a store and random people talk with us and just want to look at her. It’s the moms that are always the most connected to her. They just get it and even though I don’t know them, I can feel their love even to my baby that they don’t even have any connection with. No one else can really relate to us. 

As a mom, I feel like I am so protective and want everything to go just as planned or how I want. There are definite moments of self-doubt and you just mess up something completely. People tell you all their stories and all of their advice ALL THE TIME. Some you take and some you just leave and have to nod your head and smile. I don’t know everything about being a mom and I am learning every day with her. I want to be the perfect mother for her and my future babies but I know that is unrealistic. The only thing I can do is follow my gut and my heart and work side-by-side with my husband. 

My daughter has taught me so much already. Not only has she taught me more patience but how to love even more. The people around her are so loving and you are just treated differently as a mom. I absolutely love it and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a feeling my heart will grow and grow with every little miracle we create. 

I have debated back and forth about whether or not to post anything about miscarriage because it is so taboo in our culture. I have determined that by posting something, I could maybe be helping someone else out there get through a loss where they may feel alone. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with it alone, and we should be able to lean on someone or even talk with someone who has gone through the same thing. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. I had always seen myself having lots of kids at an early age and just felt this need to be around children and raise my own. That is partly why I became a teacher I guess. However, God has different plans for everyone and he laughs when you make a plan.
Our journey to parenthood hasn’t been the easiest. I got pregnant in 2014 and it was a total shock. We were not trying to get pregnant. I felt scared, excited, worried, and couldn’t wait to meet our little one. In no way had it ever crossed my mind that I would ever miscarry. I didn’t think it happened that often and I had never really heard of anyone besides a few close relatives that had them. 
Our first doctors appointment also included an ultrasound and we discovered twins! However, there were no heartbeats. We both felt devastated. I felt like I couldn’t process what had happened and it felt completely surreal. John and I took time to heal and began to try again. We got pregnant again in mid-2015 and lost another baby. This one felt even worse. I thought to myself, “Hmm maybe I’m not supposed to be a mother. Maybe God has something else planned for me.” But we tried again and got pregnant later that year. We lost yet another baby. At this point I threw in the towel. I quit. I didn’t want to try anymore and I felt like a complete failure. The one thing that I was put on this earth to do and I couldn’t do it. I felt I was letting John down too. He married me and we had talked about our future plans, like most couples. Those included children. How would I ever be good enough or fill that void for us?
We had talked about adoption and/fostering and pieces were put together in early 2016 for us to foster two children in our home. They were brother and sister and we helped get them back to their father. During this time, we found out we were pregnant yet again. I had so many doubts, insecurities, and was on the edge of my seat the whole time we waited for our first ultrasound. Time kept passing and with every appointment we went in waiting to hear bad news.
When we finally got through our first trimester we could finally relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Everything was textbook perfect. She was healthy and growing. I could not wait to meet her and had so much support throughout my pregnancy.
During and after her arrival we fell completely in love. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. These past 9 weeks have been the most incredible moments of my life. Becoming a mother is the most rewarding job. Seeing my husband with her and how much he adores her is also the best thing ever! I never knew how much I could love another human being until I met her.
We have four little angels up in Heaven looking down on Miss Everly. They are and will always be our babies, even if we never got to hold or feel their beautiful little bodies against us. Losing them were the hardest moments I have ever been through. The feeling of guilt, anger, and saddness was overwhelming. I will never fully understand why they were taken from us, but God definitely has a plan for everyone.
I feel so extremely lucky to have a beautiful, healthy, strong, happy baby. God has certainly blessed us with her and will hopefully bless us with more little ones.
This happens to so many more people than you think. After my losses, people came out of the woodwork talking about it to me and telling me their stories. We need to look out for each other and be sure that one another has someone to talk to through rough times. I really, truly hope this helps someone out there and they are able to relate and know they are not alone.
  

This is a great reminder of waiting until the time is right. You may not know or understand why something doesn’t work out for you in that moment but you can almost always look back and understand that it wasn’t the right time. 

Even though I have suffered loss, I would have given anything to have my babies. We found out about Everly right after we bought a house and she came just in time for my parents to sell their house and relocate locally. I couldn’t do this without them.  I am so happy they are here to be in Everly’s life. 

We may not always have the best of the best, or have things that we desire at that moment but if we work hard and are patient, things may just turn out in our favor. 

Timing is EVERYTHING!

This is my first post on a blog ever! Scary!

I’m not sure anyone will ever read these posts but this is my new outlet.

I cannot wait to document my new life as a mother to a brand new baby girl, as a fourth grade teacher, as a wife of almost 5 years, and as a sister and daughter to a loving and amazing family.

I hope people follow my journey and are able to connect with me or just relate to me.

Can’t wait to see where this goes. Yay!

P.S. have to give a shout out to my awesome hubby for setting this up for me. Xoxo! ♡♡♡