We went to our community pool today. Usually during our swims, my five year old makes friends almost every time she goes. She loves meeting new people and playing with other kiddos. So, when four little girls around the same age as her walked into the pool, she was super excited. She saw they had all brought masks and dive toys just like hers. Her brave little soul swam over with her own dive toys. She asks, “Can I play with you guys?” They answer, “No.” I locked eyes with her and could tell her big heart was a little broken. I waved her over and as she got closer to me she began to cry more. I held her as she told me what happened.

I reminded her that not everyone wants to make friends and that some people aren’t kind. I also told her that if people act that way then they probably aren’t people you want to try and be friends with.

My heart hurts for her.

As we sat at our dinner table tonight, she brought it up to her daddy. I instantly started to cry at the heartbreak that still was on her sweet face. I tried to hide it at first because I didn’t want her to see me upset about the situation but eventually she caught on (little smarty pants).

This was a huge reminder today. It was a reminder that I cannot protect them from all the ugly in this world. However, what I can do is remind them and show them the beauty though. I can remind them of how to treat people, to include people, to care for people, and to also protect themselves from people that don’t have their best interest.

Don’t let your kids be those kids. The worst part about this whole thing was that the dad of the four girls was right there playing with them and saw that my daughter went to try and play. He said and did nothing.

Tonight I lay in bed at the end of an extremely long, emotional and reflective week.

Last Sunday was mother’s day and I was officially ten and a half weeks pregnant. I spent the afternoon on the patio watching my daughter play with a puppy and spent time talking with family. I went to the bathroom and there it was. Something I never wanted to see.

My heart. I can only describe to you the rollercoaster of feelings that I have felt this last week.

Sadness- My sixth baby and fifth pregnancy. Why would God take another baby from me? I thought for sure this one would stick. It was perfect.

Anger- Why can’t my body do what it is supposed to do? Create life. I have done it once, perfectly before.

Frustration- I don’t understand how some people can have baby after baby.

Failure- I let down my husband again. And now I let my daughter down again. She doesnt quite understand at two years old that she could have been a sister but in my head, I still let her down.

There were many more emotions, however, I have to remember all the happiness and joy my daughter brings to my life. She reminds me every day of this, thank God.

The way she called me her best friend and hugged me as we ate ice cream in bed. (By the way, ice cream was all her idea to make me feel better.) It amazes me that at two years old someone could show empathy and kindness when I needed it most. Grown adults have trouble doing that, but she did.

While putting her to bed tonight we talked as I rocked her about all the friends she had and how fun dancing was at school. Then when I tucked her in she told me she loved me without any prompting.

She is the most amazing human I have ever met and I get to have the pleasure of calling her my daughter. I get to kiss her, hug her, talk to her, play with her, dance with her, rock with her, and just be with her. I feel honored to be called mommy by her even if I hear “Mommy?” 9,700 times a day. (Some with no answer back after I respond to her.) I will never be able to hear that from my babies up in heaven and I will always wonder who, what and how they would have been but Everly makes up for that in so many ways.

My heart hurts for the loss again but I can’t give up yet. I know that my body can do this and I have to build the trust back up again, which will take time. There has to be a reason. I may never know, but I can’t give up.

This is definitely my second post of the night but I have just had so much on my mind lately. Not sure if it is because I’m out of school or what but I just need to write.

Alrighty people. (If anyone is actually reading this.) I sometimes get in my head about all the bad things that could happen to my baby. I see posts or news articles or things on TV that freak me out. Even little things like walking up and down the stairs.

I feel like I need to protect her from every single thing sometimes but I know deep down that wouldn’t be good because she will never know how to cope with the real world once she begins to live on her own.

How do you find that balance?

I would honestly not know what to do with myself if anything were to happen to her. I’m not sure if things that I think about are irrational or normal.

How do you get out of worst case scenario?

There are so many bad people and bad things in the world. I know she will hear or see things that I don’t want her to but I guess I just need to teach her how to handle things that are bad and tempting or show her how those choices would effect her life.

You want your child to become this perfect little person and you may think they already are but are you really setting them up for success when you do that. That is a whole lot of pressure. She is going to make mistakes and my job is to make them teachable moments. Wanting and creating a picture perfect world for them is not realistic I guess.

I need some advice. Anyone else struggle with this?

Ok, so does anyone else go to bed with regrets, as a parent? I do.

There are so many things that happen during the day with my 18 month old. We have good times, bad times, annoyed times, tired times, silly times and other numerous emotions. During all these little moments of her learning, I am also learning.

Parenting is like riding a rollercoaster. You are going at different speeds all day and you have your ups and downs. Sometimes you make great choices as a parent and sometimes you don’t.

I need to learn to celebrate the good and remember them in times of need and to learn from the bad. I wonder if there is a complete right and wrong to this whole thing sometimes.

There is also the judgement side. Especially when you are out in public. You don’t want to be judged by your actions. I could honestly care less about my toddlers actions because she is so new to this thing called life and I am going to do my best to guide her. However, everyone is watching you. What you do for and to your child. Don’t get me wrong, there are parents out there that don’t make good choices on a consistent basis and I see it daily with my students.

I have gone back and forth with so many choices. I need to start sticking to my choice and make it consistent for her. There are so many times I go to bed with regret and wondering if I am doing this right. But is there a right way?

All families have different ways of doing things and they have to do what works for them. I am just hoping my baby girl learns and grows into a beautiful person inside and out so that I can also grow and become a parent that she can rely on and come to with struggles or celebrations in her life.

This post is kind of all over the place but I just had to get some clarity. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you handle these things and move forward?

It’s been awhile since I have written my thoughts. It’s time to start again.

Today is Valentine’s Day and I was so reminded of how lucky I truly am. I know so many people say that and it kind of turns into something that doesn’t mean much.

My husband had to work tonight and I got to spend the afternoon with my little girl. All night she was the best. She was playful and so loving. When I was rocking her to sleep up in her room she was talking to me as I was singing to her. She had finally laid down on my chest and wrapped her sweet little arms around me and tapped both her hands on me over and over. Then about a minute later, she sat up and gave me a kiss and laid back down. It was like she was telling me goodnight.

I cannot explain how much I love her and thank God every day that I have her. He gave us exactly what we needed in life and I feel honored that he chose me to be her mommy.

Parenting is so hard and there are so many times when you feel like a failure. There are times when you second guess yourself about what you have decided or how you have chosen to raise them. I will always try to remember that as long as I am trying my best and loving her unconditionally, she will be an amazing adult someday and turn out just fine.

I love my little girl so much. There are no other words I can put together to explain motherhood.